So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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