i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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