I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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