then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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