our cab driver is having phone sex.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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