we have pet lesbian snakes
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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