So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
