On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Randomize
