Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
