I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Randomize
