"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
