ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
