last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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