i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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