I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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