ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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