Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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