you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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