mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
