hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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