matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
