I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
