so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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