Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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