Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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