Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
