He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
