I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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