he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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