His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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