why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
