lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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