So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
