i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
