i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Randomize
