Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
