True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
my poor anus
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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