I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
