The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
this will be a night to untag.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
