At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I need a burrito and a hug.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
