just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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