I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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