WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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