he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
