I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
