dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
