my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I have feelings that need drinking.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
