dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
