there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
