I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize