Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
