i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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