I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
