i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
It was confusing and full of hummus
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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