"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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